Do you recognise yourself in the mirror? Please me mindful that this piece may trigger those that have experienced self harm, suicidal thoughts or Suicide
Hi guys long time no write !!!!
I know I know where the hell have I been right? I committed to a blog each Sunday right? Welllllllllllllllllll………. LIFE HAPPENS!!!!!
I have been away for a while and there are some valid reason for that! I stress SOME! But also there has been, part laziness, part procrastination and part just me getting in my own way with all my negative chatter (yep it’s still there but we fight on!)
I am however really happy to be back here writing, I hope you are all well and I thank you all for reading. You will be happy to know as I write I am laying in my favourite spot! The bath with a big smile on my face an inside out smile! So with that being said let’s get into this.
Firstly as you know I was in therapy (oh how I miss it). A few months ago it came to an end which is a positive thing because it means progress has been made, however it is my belief that therapy should be an integral part of ones life and for that reason I know I will be back there but hopefully not only because I have hit rock bottom! Anyway I digress, let’s get back on track.
My therapist asked me to write a really honest post, a post that meant I could accept the darker parts of me and offer myself forgiveness. Since the therapist set that task I have been unable to write. Scared to write!
When you look at yourself in the mirror, but you can’t really look because you don’t want to face up to the person you have become. You know if you really take a look at yourself the facade you have put up will have to fall down. You and the world will be introduced to the ugliest parts of you, and the whole of you will be seen! Not just the helpful, kind, loving, all giving, smart and happy Sadia but also the self loathing, depressed, pain ridden, selfish, conniving, cheating, lying and stealing Sadia.
Under the right Right circumstances it is my belief we all have a dark side (is that a story I tell myself to make me feel better?). When I sat in jail amongst people from all walks of life knowing deep down I was not perfect allowed me to be more accepting of the mistakes they had made or the vulnerabilities they held within, landing us all in one big secure location at the exact same time. There is something to be said for shared experiences like that.
Let me take you all back to a time I could not look at myself in the mirror;
I was sitting in my car outside one of Mr Mans Woman’s homes, (don’t worry I was not stalking he or trying to run up on them both). I had been sat there for 3 hours just sitting and thinking. It was also opposite his home. Unconsciously I think that I wanted him to find me, but consciously I told myself he would not pass here. I think she saw me and called him to say I was there! (Who knows). I was supposed to be at work, but this was a week after my attempted suicide and I really could not face it, I could not face myself let alone all my colleagues! I just did not want to pretend all day! I was pretending to my family though and that took up all the energy I had.
He walked by coming from the gym, I was just sat there staring, I had been crying off and on just thinking how did I get here and how was I going to get out? How was I going to get him to forgive me get back in his good graces!
Mr Man came up to the window ‘what the fuck are you doing?’
I had no answers for him, he got into the car! Bombarded me with questions ‘how long have you been here? Are you crazy? What was you waiting for? And more.
I cried ( I cry now)
He did not let up, ‘you need to pull yourself together’ ‘Do you want to loose your mind?’ ‘This is not who we are, we are not weak we are strong, what’s done is done and your going to put it right’!!
‘ what was you going to do? You was going to leave me ?’
We spoke for a while, he calmed down. I put it down to tough love and felt mixed emotions he cares, he wants me to be here with him! but I also knew in that moment that he would never look at me the same again. 1) because attempted suicide is often seen as a weakness
2) because I had broken a trust he put in me. I stole from the man I said I loved.
As I said the right circumstances will bring out a darker side to you.
We went over to the house, we spoke more and in all honesty he gave me what I needed at that time love and support. We decided together that maybe it was best I went to the doctors and got signed off work and for 6 months after that we built my strength back together. We spent every day together and I truly felt and affirmed that without him I could not live. I would not live! I would only live for him!
Despite the fact I went on daily to live my life get back to work and try to prove to the man I loved I was worthy. I never looked for to long in the mirror.
Every single time I told a lie I lost a piece of myself!
Every time I compromised my values and beliefs I lost a part of myself!
Every time I knowingly accepted that all I was worth was being the other woman pretending to the world I was Mr mans best friend I lost part of myself!
Every time I stole to maintain a persona I thought he needed me to be I lost a part of myself!
Every time I done tasks I knew were wrong I lost apart of myself!
Every time, until one time I looked in the mirror and I no longer recognised myself.
After a suicide attempt you look in the mirror and you do not recognise yourself. For me it was a long time before I started to see glimpses of myself, and although I’m not yet whole ( and I’m not sure I will be the same again) I truly believe I will be the best version of myself I have ever been.
Suicide is not a weakness (but I feel totally exposed in this moment).
It is however the loneliest place you will ever be but it is not the end.
It was not the end for me it was the start of the beginning and it gave me a strength to keep fighting through life!
Samaritans helpline 116 123