My Toxic Relationship

Hey Everyone, I am so glad that you have come back for the second instalment today and hope that you have enjoyed reading so far, but most importantly I hope that you have gained something from the blog maybe reading it evoked thought, conversation or change. Thanks to all of you that took the time to leave a comment it was heart-warming to say the least.

When I decided to write this blog I had an influx of negative thoughts about why I should not do this. These negative thoughts were so overwhelming that even when I sat down to write about my feelings nothing would come to mind. I guess it was a form of writer’s block. I have always journaled about my experiences and my feelings so I could not understand why this block existed, so before I could start blogging I decided that I needed to get rid of some of these negative thoughts/limiting beliefs. Together with my Life Coach I identified what my most problematic Limiting Belief was and we started there, we identified that at the core of everything was the belief ‘I AM NOT ENOUGH’. I realised that I have carried this belief around with me from a very early age and instead of looking for reasons as to why I was enough I often identified the reasons Why I was not enough for example I am too skinny, I am to fat, My skin is to dark, I am black, I have a big nose, I am boring I have no personality, I don’t have long hair, I have ugly wrinkly hands, The boys don’t fancy me they don’t talk to me they only talk to my friends, I can’t dance, I am not clever, I don’t drink alcohol, I am no fun !!!!! Honestly the list went on and on and on and on, I had to begin to reverse some of these beliefs and what I learnt was that what I tell myself I am, really matters, and that all the ‘I AM’ s that we have are extremely powerful. These ‘I AM’s made up the belief system I held about myself and that belief system governs my actions and behaviour. If I believed I was not good enough, than I accepted not ‘good enough’ and acted in a way that I was not worthy of anything.

After posting my first blog all of those limiting beliefs came flooding back to smack me in my face, I initially felt really positive, brave and excited, I was applauding myself but before I knew it on Tuesday evening I was sat in my towel after a long bath on my bed sobbing. I thought to myself what on earth have you done? Who do you think you are writing a blog? I was physically hurting from the thought of letting my only lover and male friend down. I went from feeling brave to feeling like I was a rubbish friend and that I had given up the most important relationship too me. It felt to me like writing the blog was me putting the last nail in the coffin, and that I had now completely killed that relationship. Any secrets hopes of rekindling this relationship where now well and truly thrown out of the window (I hear you all scream why would you want to rekindle such a relationship?) I wonder even now am I ready for this? I thought about how disappointed he would be if he knew I was writing this, he would probably say ‘Are you a fucking dickhead? Are you all there in the head? You have got to be dumb, than he would probably turn to whoever was present at the time most likely a friend, family member or one of those women I was continuously competing with of his and say ‘Is it just me blood? Because a normal person would not be putting their life out there like this’ than whoever was there would probably agree with him and say that I was the crazy one and that I was in the wrong and showing great disloyalty.

Whilst I was crying I realised that my old habits where starting to creep back in, I realised that the difference between the current me and the old me was that I can now identify negative self-talk and choose to disengage with it. I decided to post on my Instagram page (Sadias Truth34) about how hard it is to let go of Toxic relationship, and  so todays topic about Toxic relationships was born, I would like to share how this Toxic and mentally abusive relationship started , the wounds and scars that are left behind after Toxic or abusive relationships and how I try to change my belief system now.

The wounds and the scars of this Toxic and mentally damaging relationship are still present for me and the still impact the decisions that I make about my life. In my head as I write this I am having a battle with myself, asking myself are you exaggerating these wounds are you over sensitive was the way he treated you really abusive, or was this your fault? Did you imagine all of these things. I continuously second guess myself and  consider what he would think about what I am doing, what his reaction would to me sharing my truth. The truth of the matter is that the damage is real and it runs deep, sometimes in relationships you cannot separate yourself from your partner or friend and you take on their beliefs instead of staying true to your own, you make their life a priority instead of your own. The result of this is confusion, hurt and no real senseof who you are.

We met at a very early age me and Mr Man and I was ecstatic that someone had even approached me showing any real interest. We were both sixteen at the time, now just to give you some background, I had a group of extremely pretty friends and at sixteen years old going on seventeen they had all experienced having at least one boyfriend. I would go with them on their links to meet their boyfriends. I would sit downstairs while they went upstairs to his room or I would tag along as a third wheel on dates. Sometimes these boyfriends would bring a friend but still none of them where interested in me. I was too dark, too skinny I actually at times felt like the angry, ugly black friend that would have to tag along walking 10 steps behind or just standing in the shadows too awkward and boring for anyone to talk to. Mr Man and I had grown up in the same area; he was extremely popular and well known in my area. At the time I told myself I would never go out with one of those guys around my way, they were all after one thing and I was not going to give it up to them. I told myself I had way to much respect for myself to become just a girl they slept with (how ironic that I became just that). Let me be brutally honest, they all cheated on girls they all got in trouble with the police I knew it and I acted like I was not interested in them, I told my friends I wanted better for myself, I was going to go to university meet a nice guy and settle down. On the inside there was something completely different going on consciously I was not aware of it but unconsciously it was there. I was dying for one of those bad boys to pay me some attention; I felt less than all my friends because none of these boys were interested in me. When it finally happened it felt like I had won the Jackpot. I had no idea that it would lead me down a path of further self-loathing and ultimately self-destruction.

That first day he spoke to me we stood outside my house for two hours, I felt so special, he paid so much attention to me in those two hours I was completely smitten. The smile on my face was from ear to ear, when I finally entered my house it actually felt like I was floating on a cloud not walking. He asked about my family what I liked what I did not like; he seemed so interested in me. He gave me his number wow I could not believe I had got my first number. I wanted to tell all my friends about it, that night we spoke on the phone for hours. This was the love and attention I was looking for I finally felt visible and I was not going to let that go for anyone. I now see that my need for attention was part of the reason I lost who I was; to begin with at sixteen years old you have not fully found a sense of self, and you have no idea who you are.

Over the years Mr Man would always say to me, when I met you all you wanted was attention, like all of your friends. He always knew that he would be able to mould me into the women that he needed me to be to serve him. I look back now and see that he told me from the very beginning that he could see my lack of self-worth.

Although we were speaking daily he made it clear from the beginning that I should not tel my friends we speak, he said when friends get involved in relationships, they put their opinions in and it messes things up. Now you guys know that I did not want to mess this up, when was I going to get a chance like this again? It had taken this long to get a boy to notice me so if keeping him meant not telling my friends that is exactly what I would do.

Well I started college and I met other friends who lived outside of my area, I was so excited I thought it cannot do any harm telling one of my new girlfriends I was seeing someone, I mean she did not live around my area so what harm would it be to share this. I wanted to share my experience with someone

I told her all about him, his name what he looked like how we spoke every day and the things that he would say to me. It was great just to share my good news with someone I did not have to hide the fact that I was seeing someone. I could act like all the other girls who had boys they were talking to.

This one particular night early hours in the morning Mr Man and I were up talking about everything and anything as we did. He said to me ‘have you told anyone that we talk’? I paused and took a big gulp, the panic set in straight away my hands started shaking and my armpits began to sweet. These physical symptoms are something I would later become familiar with as anytime I felt I had done something to mess up our relationship this is what would happen. I responded with ‘no what would make you ask that’? I was trying to remain calm but it felt like my voice was shaking as I spoke. He kept asking me are you sure; I kept denying it, all the while my heart was in my mouth. After a while he began to shout ‘you’re a fucking liar, I can’t stand liars, I gave you the opportunity to tell me but you continued to lie, I don’t want to speak to you anymore I can’t trust you. He went on to tell me that I can’t trust my little college friends and that she did not give a shit about me but he could never trust me. I tried pleading with him telling him I’m sorry and that it would not happen again but it done no good. He put the phone down on me and refused to answer my calls. It turned out that the girl I had confided in had a friend who was also seeing Mr Man, she had recognised the name and description, and as her loyalties lay with her long term friend she felt it only right that she should tell her.

I was heartbroken; my one opportunity for happiness was taken away from me all because I could not keep my mouth closed. As a I child I was always labelled the one that could not keep her mouth shut. My mom and aunts used to always say don’t say anything around me if you want it to be a secret because it would not stay a secret, now my big mouth was getting me into trouble again.

Well this was the start of the power and control he had over me; I quickly learnt that if I wanted to keep this relationship I would keep it to myself. I would have to play by his rules otherwise I would lose him. All I wanted was to be a “normal” teenage girl who could get a boyfriend and if that meant keeping it a secret than that was what I was going to do. It did not matter that I wanted to share my good news with my loved ones what mattered was pleasing him.

Ina toxic or abusive relationships you are often so invested that it is difficult to see what is best for you. I did not see at sixteen years old that I should have the right to share what was happening in my life with my loved ones. As I did not share the details of this relationship with others from the onset I quickly became isolated and keeping secrets became my norm over the years. He never ever let go of this initial betrayal and would always bring it up to use as a weapon against me.

If you have to change all of who you are just to keep someone in your life than you must question the healthiness of this relationship. Do not stay in relationships because they validate you, when you meet someone they should accept who you are and not try to control you in any way. At the time I felt like he made me one of the “normal” girls but the “normal” girls were able to have a relationship out in the open. In the end this relationship only reinforced my limiting beliefs because I ended up believing that I was not good enough to be claimed. I was still that ugly black girl that had to remain in the shadows. Today I am able to live in the light, I am able to share my story and let others know that they are not alone!

In order to turn my limiting beliefs around, I connect with myself through meditation; I use positive affirmations to change my belief system. I am strong, I am beautiful, I am a women worthy of respect, I am funny, I am intelligent, I am free, I am happy and I can share the details of my life with who I like.