Do you recognise yourself in the Mirror ?

Do you recognise yourself in the mirror? Please me mindful that this piece may trigger those that have experienced self harm, suicidal thoughts or Suicide

Hi guys long time no write !!!!

I know I know where the hell have I been right? I committed to a blog each Sunday right? Welllllllllllllllllll………. LIFE HAPPENS!!!!!

I have been away for a while and there are some valid reason for that! I stress SOME! But also there has been, part laziness, part procrastination and part just me getting in my own way with all my negative chatter (yep it’s still there but we fight on!)

I am however really happy to be back here writing, I hope you are all well and I thank you all for reading. You will be happy to know as I write I am laying in my favourite spot! The bath with a big smile on my face an inside out smile! So with that being said let’s get into this.

Firstly as you know I was in therapy (oh how I miss it). A few months ago it came to an end which is a positive thing because it means progress has been made, however it is my belief that therapy should be an integral part of ones life and for that reason I know I will be back there but hopefully not only because I have hit rock bottom! Anyway I digress, let’s get back on track.

My therapist asked me to write a really honest post, a post that meant I could accept the darker parts of me and offer myself forgiveness. Since the therapist set that task I have been unable to write. Scared to write!

When you look at yourself in the mirror, but you can’t really look because you don’t want to face up to the person you have become. You know if you really take a look at yourself the facade you have put up will have to fall down. You and the world will be introduced to the ugliest parts of you, and the whole of you will be seen! Not just the helpful, kind, loving, all giving, smart and happy Sadia but also the self loathing, depressed, pain ridden, selfish, conniving, cheating, lying and stealing Sadia.

Under the right Right circumstances it is my belief we all have a dark side (is that a story I tell myself to make me feel better?). When I sat in jail amongst people from all walks of life knowing deep down I was not perfect allowed me to be more accepting of the mistakes they had made or the vulnerabilities they held within, landing us all in one big secure location at the exact same time. There is something to be said for shared experiences like that.

Let me take you all back to a time I could not look at myself in the mirror;

I was sitting in my car outside one of Mr Mans Woman’s homes, (don’t worry I was not stalking he or trying to run up on them both). I had been sat there for 3 hours just sitting and thinking. It was also opposite his home. Unconsciously I think that I wanted him to find me, but consciously I told myself he would not pass here. I think she saw me and called him to say I was there! (Who knows). I was supposed to be at work, but this was a week after my attempted suicide and I really could not face it, I could not face myself let alone all my colleagues! I just did not want to pretend all day! I was pretending to my family though and that took up all the energy I had.

He walked by coming from the gym, I was just sat there staring, I had been crying off and on just thinking how did I get here and how was I going to get out? How was I going to get him to forgive me get back in his good graces!

Mr Man came up to the window ‘what the fuck are you doing?’

I had no answers for him, he got into the car! Bombarded me with questions ‘how long have you been here? Are you crazy? What was you waiting for? And more.

I cried ( I cry now)

He did not let up, ‘you need to pull yourself together’ ‘Do you want to loose your mind?’ ‘This is not who we are, we are not weak we are strong, what’s done is done and your going to put it right’!!

‘ what was you going to do? You was going to leave me ?’

We spoke for a while, he calmed down. I put it down to tough love and felt mixed emotions he cares, he wants me to be here with him! but I also knew in that moment that he would never look at me the same again. 1) because attempted suicide is often seen as a weakness

and

2) because I had broken a trust he put in me. I stole from the man I said I loved.

As I said the right circumstances will bring out a darker side to you.

We went over to the house, we spoke more and in all honesty he gave me what I needed at that time love and support. We decided together that maybe it was best I went to the doctors and got signed off work and for 6 months after that we built my strength back together. We spent every day together and I truly felt and affirmed that without him I could not live. I would not live! I would only live for him!

Despite the fact I went on daily to live my life get back to work and try to prove to the man I loved I was worthy. I never looked for to long in the mirror.

Every single time I told a lie I lost a piece of myself!

Every time I compromised my values and beliefs I lost a part of myself!

Every time I knowingly accepted that all I was worth was being the other woman pretending to the world I was Mr mans best friend I lost part of myself!

Every time I stole to maintain a persona I thought he needed me to be I lost a part of myself!

Every time I done tasks I knew were wrong I lost apart of myself!

Every time……

Every time……..

Every time…..

Every time, until one time I looked in the mirror and I no longer recognised myself.

After a suicide attempt you look in the mirror and you do not recognise yourself. For me it was a long time before I started to see glimpses of myself, and although I’m not yet whole ( and I’m not sure I will be the same again) I truly believe I will be the best version of myself I have ever been.

Suicide is not a weakness (but I feel totally exposed in this moment).

It is however the loneliest place you will ever be but it is not the end.

It was not the end for me it was the start of the beginning and it gave me a strength to keep fighting through life!

Samaritans helpline 116 123

https://www.samaritans.org/

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Protect Yourself

Good Sunday to you all! Hope you have had a great week!

My journey to self love is not easy, the reason for this is that most of my life I have been so far away from the self love destination. Self love is my destiny though!!!! So I no longer worry about if I will reach destination self love, I now know that I am and always have been on that road!

We go through our difficult and hard times in order to learn and evolve. I can now see that I have grown through my pain, so I am much more open to the fact that difficult times are necessary for my growth.

In that growth one of the main things I have learnt and will always now carry around with is to PROTECT MYSELF!!!!!!

But how do you do that? When you are living day to day life you can very easily loose sight of yourself. The results of loosing sight of yourself are seeing everyone else first!

not considering yourself so recently I have been thinking about how to prevent getting caught up with everything else and forgetting about me.

Learning to continuously check in with yourself is an important part of not loosing site if yourself!

My mornings for me are a time that I can really sit with myself and check

1) Am I happy with the status of all my relationships? Am I giving and receiving what I need and what is right for me?

2) Are the activities that I am engaging in serving me? Meaningful activity is essential in me being able to protect myself.

3) Most importantly for me is the question am I at peace in my spirit with where everything lays in my life right now?

And lastly ….

4) Am I putting myself first? And meeting my needs?

Sitting with yourself daily is essential in order to protect yourself.

Take the time this week to sit with yourself and question yourself ?

Have a great week xxxxx

Tough Days

Hey guys, hope you are well

How do we deal with the tough days?

Today is a tough day, one of those days where you are unable to see the good in anything that you have done. Logically I know I have come a long way, but sometimes the grieve I feel for a life that once was just overwhelms me!

Getting over love is really really hard, when you truly care for someone and they can’t stay in your life it can difficult to accept not having them anymore. At times the wave of grieve and loss really knocks you out! This week I have struggled with this a lot.

I am not someone that has ever really lost such a significant relationship to me. Although I know that the relationship does not serve me it does not take away from the pain that comes with loosing somebody.

In all honesty I feel it could be worse, if I felt anger and resentment about that relationship and my experience maybe it would be easier to get over.

So as I sit and wonder how to come with these ambushes of pain I realise that it is in accepting that there will be tough days. There is nothing wrong with feeling the pain of loss.

Part of development, growth and healing is tough days!

Ride the wave because the calm will be restored again.

So I had to come back to add this small edition.

As I said today is a tough day, instead of spending this tough day alone in my house I spent some time with my Nan who is in her 90’s.

Talking with my Nan today about her mobility declining and her not going to church anymore because of this, I was inspired by her outlook!

My Nan said ” Well Sadia there is a time and season for everything, right now my time for going to church has expired and I must accept that! The lord knows best”

My Nan had no idea she was helping me today and I had no idea that I’m going out and spending time with my family would be apart of my healing today!

I encourage you to spend time with those that have lived a lengthy life, their wisdom and out look is phenomenal!

I must accept that the time for that relationship is no longer. Accept that this is just a tough day! In the words of Alex Elle Love from a distance!

Enjoy your week xxx

Ride or Die (Dear Road Man…)

Hi guys, I hope you have all had a great week! My week has been fantastic, I am celebrating two things!

1) I finally felt ready to leave Group Therapy! I have been attending for one year despite the fact it is a 6-12 week programme! It’s was a fantastic support and has helped me to build a solid foundation to finding myself!

2) I found a part time job!!!!!!!! (Screaming out loud). When you have a criminal conviction under your belt! This is a big big deal.

I share this news with you because these two things, that may appear minute to others are a representation of the progress I have made and more importantly will show all my readers the importance of investing in yourself, being kind to yourself, being patient and allowing yourself time to start healing.

I have come a long way and I will never be a finished piece, (after all I am human) but I am back on the road to success.

In light of all of the above I would like to begin a new series that I will revisit from time to time here on the blog and that is the concept of “Ride or Die”. It is one of the many concepts that I brought into, one of the concepts that left me broken and trying to put the pieces of myself back together. It has so many aspects to it I cannot get it all down in one post and because it means me looking back to my old life, I won’t write about it every week I don’t wish to be stuck in the past! But I do wish to use my past to educate and inspire others!

I hope you all enjoy the Ride or Die series as and when it appears.

Dear Road Man

I understand that you too are broken. I get that like us all, you have some deep rooted childhood wounds that are just playing out in your adult life. I understand that you believe that all you do is to better yourself and your loved ones! I get it, from your perspective there is no other way to live, to succeed. These streets are all you know they are all you have!

Society has already judged you, written you off and told you you cannot achieve more, I see that you believe you are proving them wrong!

Material things nice cars, expensive clothes, lots of women (or should I use one of your preferred terms bitches, hoes, slags), all your possessions make you a king in these streets. I guess you think you have made it huh? I guess you think that in all of these possessions you have now achieved, you have now proven to the world you are balling! I guess you believe you have surpassed the judgements people made that you would amount to nothing!!!!!! But have you?

Now don’t get me wrong I too believed at one time that this was success in our streets. I believed as a road mans side piece I had made it. I gave up real success because I did not know myself, I did not love myself, and I put my worth in the hands of a “successful road man”!

Dear road man have you really surpassed the expectations people held for you, when they told you you would amount to nothing? Or Are you living up to those expectations? Please don’t answer right away with your street mind! Take some time to think!

Maybe take that time in the jail cell to contemplate your Success. The possessions that you built upon a foundation of sand. That now sit in the hands of law enforcers pretending they will be destroyed under the premises of what they call a Confiscation Order!

Tell me do you contemplate your success? Do you recognise the lives that you may have destroyed! Your mother now subjected to years of only visiting you for two hours a week! She pretends she can afford these visits but back at home crying herself to sleep with worry of you and all her bills! Your bitch/ hoe serving time for you under the premise of loyalty and the hope that you will see she is the one that should be your wife (Ride or Die)! Your baby mothers left to raise their children alone. Those children admire you as the example they will aspire to become! (Is this the life you want for them?) I have not touched on the lives of those strangers who had their vulnerabilities exploited but I’m guessing you don’t see that as your responsibility!

Now don’t get me wrong, I too played a part in this street life. Agreeing with you and telling you that this life was right! Never sharing with you an honest opinion that what you do is wrong! Ignoring it all because I needed to feel love and acceptance too, so of course I will help you look like success. I will accept being a side woman(or is that bitch). I will stroke your ego and tell you you are right in all that you do as long as you stay with me until 4am when you must return home to your actual wife! You can treat me in any derogatory way you like as long as you stay!

Dear Road Man

You are so much more than all I describe, if I did not tell you before I am telling you now! You have valuable skills, knowledge and experience that cannot be brought or taught! You are a true king inside and this does not need to be proven through your possessions and status on the road!

Take your talents and uses them to build you a foundation made of stone! One that cannot be taken away from you in a blink of an eye! If I never told you before I love you for all that you are inside and not all that you have! I know better now and I want better for you too!

Dear Road Man understand you have the Devine Power to change things for the next generation! No better do Better!

So the advice you need is within this post and I will not draw it out for you but I will encourage you to share it! If it does not help you it might help another!

Make a Commitment to Change!!!

Hello everyone! I hope you are all well, soooooooooo earlier today I started writing my post for today. I stopped writing because I thought to myself ‘I don’t think this is helping anyone’ I questioned if the blog had any real purpose.

I got a message of my big cousin informing me she was setting up to get her weekly dose of my blog! (In my head I was thinking o boy there is no post). I messaged back, reporting that I abandoned the post for this week!!!!

My phone rang!!! My cousin was ready to read this post and promptly reminded me of my commitment to posting on a weekly basis. She reminded me of the reasons I take time to write, one small thing I say may help to inspire just one person! If I do that I am living my life purpose.

Without further ado let me continue with this life purpose! I truly hope I encourage just one person.

The truth about change is …… IT IS NOT EASY!!!

What is easy is to run back to what you have always done, a good way to look at this is to look at the meals you eat or cook for the week. I can only bet that you have found yourself eating the same things week in week out?

Or take a look at your pyjama draw or even your knicker drawer, I bet you wear the same pyjamas or knickers week in week out (of course you wash them!!!). But the point is we become creatures of habit. Don’t get me wrong if you are having guests over, or maybe your boyfriend or lover coming over you will whip out special pyjamas/knickers or make a special effort with dinner but those are exceptional circumstances, by large we revert to our comfortable patterns of behaviour.

Today I met up with an old friend, who I have not seen for at least 10 years! We chatted for hours over brunch and coffee. My friend drove me home and you know how sometimes the conversation is so good, you just sit outside the house in the car for a further hour chatting away! It was that kind of moment. My old friend turned to me and asked ‘What made you change?’ I simply responded ‘I’m worth it, I just did not know it before’

This made me think more about the commitment to change I made for myself! As I reflect I made that decision, back when I was in my jail cell and although I had no idea what that change would look like at the time! I realise now that it does not matter about the details of the change. What matters is the commitment of change you make to yourself!

When you make a commitment to change, when you actually say to yourself I am changing my life, it will sit unconsciously in your mind with all the other unconscious thoughts and it will begin to play out in your life!

You will always want to revert to type, a little like I tried to do today by not posting, but life will send you messages and signs, in order for you to stay on track! For me that message was a phone call from my cousin! For you it might be this post (I hope it is).

If you have not made a commitment to change do it right now, in whatever area of your life you would like to see change! Watch to see how your subconscious thoughts play out in life!

Start by wearing your fancy knickers or sexy pyjamas any day of the week, cook yourself a great meal!

If you did not already know it you are worth the change.

Thanks for reading, and for helping me honour my commitment to change.

How does your History Shape the Person you are?

Heeeeeeyyyyyyy to all my readers! Thank you so much for coming back time and time again!

On my journey so far one of the things I have struggled with the most is learning who I am? In all honesty as I sit here today I do not have a concrete answer because I am still trying to figure it out.

This week in my group counselling, we spent a lot of time talking about black history. The importance of understanding the history that has taken place, in order to enable us to be here today! This concept sparked questions in my mind and got me thinking about how not only our personal history but our generational history shapes us into the people we are today.

I can not share very much about how my generational history has shaped me as a person because I do not know enough about it. I guess we could argue that is the part of the reason I am questioning who I am! (If you have learnt anything I hope you know by now I am committed to myself and to changing my narrative, so I will establish a clear understanding of who I am in time)

What I am certain of though is all history and all our experiences shape us into the humans that we are today! I know for a fact that I have both personal and generational wounds to heal! This knowledge has inspired me to get to know myself on a deeper cellular and generational level! Understand truly where I come from? Establish why is it important for me to be here? Further helping me to love myself more and stand only in my truth!

As I write today from a place of uncertainty I simply wanted to share with you a poem I wrote some weeks ago, and to encourage you to take a look at the woman or man (I do not get any feedback from any men but if you are reading please share your views) that you are!

It is important that you establish a firm identity, as this is the foundation that keeps you forever standing! It is what will allow your home to remain standing no matter how much the wolves huff and puff with a strong foundation they will never blow your house down!

Don’t worry if like me you are not to sure who you are, because this foundation can be built up. Take a look at your past and know that no matter how broken it can always be rebuilt. We are all individually perfect and here for a reason let’s embark on a journey together to reveal our true self and true purpose!

Let me share :

The Woman I Have Become

The woman I have become…

She stands proud and strong on her own two feet.

She is gifted, grown, evolved and free.

She is glowing and shining no longer affected by your negativity.

That inside cavity is now filling up with positivity .

She wears an armour of consciousness that protects and defends her authenticity.

She is no longer lost but walks in the light of her true destiny.

Don’t be afraid to write a poem of your own, I actually challenge you to this! Please share it with me if you choose to do so!

Until next week guys, I can’t wait to share with you part 2 of what I find out about my history!

Keep healing and keep shining xxx

Sing Yourself a Love Song

Happy Sunday Guys, glad you are feeling good, and are back here reading, learning, growing, healing and most importantly shining.

I have recently been working on affirmations! Affirming to myself the positive things about me that I always choose to ignore! Is that familiar to anyone? For some reason we can easily identify and affirm negative things about ourselves. Things like I am too skinny, I am too moody, I am angry, I am broken, I am stupid, I have failed, I’m a bad mother. The list can go on and on. These things are so easily said to ourselves and to others, we do not always realise the power in I AM.

Well whilst I have been saying my affirmations in the mirror or walking down the road, I realised it’s difficult to say kind things about myself too myself but that I could easily say these kind things about others and too others. I have taught myself to praise others and wait for others to praise me, rather than praise myself. Therefore in order to feel good about myself I wait for praise from others, now this praise does not always come when we need it! And you might find yourself pleasing others in order to be praised. You could be waiting all week, month or year for the praise you need. What exactly is wrong with praising and showing love to yourself?

The answer is nothing, in fact in order to build your SELF esteem you have to talk positively too yourself about yourself. We hear a lot about this and in theory it sounds easy but in practice it can be really difficult. We might need to look at alternative ways to affirm love for oneself.

I don’t know about you guys but often I listen to music, standing in the mirror, sing my heart out dancing and carrying on as if I’m a superstar on the stage! I was born in the 80’s raised in the 90’sand I love R&B and soppy love songs. Since the end of my 18 year relationship with my lover and friend I found it difficult to listen to music because it would evoke sad emotions, nostalgia and I felt as if I no longer had anyone to sing these songs too or about!

But that changed this week as I was in the mirror being the superstar I secretly am, singing my heart out to some Lil mo, Lauren hill, Mariah Carey and many other artists, It dawned on me I did not need to sing love songs to anyone else I could sing them to myself! About myself! I am falling in love with myself so why couldn’t I apply these songs to myself! In fact as I stood in the mirror and I sang the words to Lauren hills Ex Factor ‘it could all be so simple but you’d rather make it hard loving is like battle and we both end up with scars ….. see no one loves you more than me and no one ever will’. I looked myself deep in the eyes and knew I was breaking up with myself not just ending that 18 year relationship! I was also ending that negative relationship I maintained with myself. As Lauren said I was making it hard to love myself and now realised no one could love me more than I can! Lauren goes onto say ‘no matter how I think we grow you always seem to let me know it ain’t working, and when I try to walk away you hurt yourself to make me stay. I thought Sadia you always try to keep that negative view of yourself going why don’t you walk away from it! Now is the time I think.

The next song on my playlist was Monica Before you walk out of my life

She sings ‘here we are face to face with the memories that can’t be erased although we need each other things have changed it’s not the same…… well I never meant to cause you no pain I just wanna go back to being the same I only one make things right.

When I sang this in the mirror to myself I affirmed that the relationship I had with myself was important I was able to forgive myself for what I had put myself through in the past, the pain I had been through can be healed.

I share my discovery with you in the hope that if you are finding it difficult to just stand in the mirror and say positive things about yourself it may help to pick one of your favourite love songs, and sing it to yourself. Feel it as you would feel it singing about your loved one. Look yourself in your eyes and truly mean those words. Sing them words too you the superstar you are and shine like the superstar you are!

I wish you all a great week singing love songs to yourself every day. Fall in love with you, you deserve it. Affirm your greatness as we can so easily affirm these things to others!