Happy Sunday Everyone!! I hope that you are all well, have had a great week and are ready for an even better week!
This week I spent two days at WEF (Women Economic Forum) event in Birmingham, where I had the opportunity to listen too and network with a lot of inspiring women (and men). The event housed so many men and women all under one roof but able to individually stand in their own light and shine. The event got me thinking about my ability to just be me and the ways in which I get in my own way, preventing myself from standing in my own light. I realised that it is more comfortable for me to stand in my own shadow than it is for me to stand in my light! This really made me question my perfected ability to stand in my own way, lets explore!
I am sure that anyone that follows my blog, would have realised that over the past two or three weeks my posts have being void of the true me. For all of you that do not follow me, I encourage you to take a look back at my first post and compare it with last weeks post and you will surely see that there is a lot of me missing.
I now know that the reason for this is that I was beginning to get in my own way. I have shared a lot of my past experiences in my previous blogs, and how my lack of self love left me on a path where I allowed others to abuse me and ultimately I abused myself.
I like to be as honest as I can in these post and if I cant be honest, you will notice that I say very little.
Well I am BACK in full effect with my epiphany of what went wrong!I am going to try my best to share with you all what has been happening for me over the past two to three weeks and hopefully you will gain knowledge and understanding from my experience.
Over the past two weeks, I have been mourning my old life, and mourning all the things that I no longer have. I do not recognise myself anymore, I do not have a clue about what I like, what I don’t like. I don’t have a clear idea of what my ambitions are or where I am going in life. Who am I? I feel like a fraud and this has made it difficult for me to write from a place of truth! I was beginning to believe I did not have anything else to offer. It felt painful for me I felt loss and emptiness inside. I also felt that the only story I had to tell was about my past relationship so I felt like without that relationship what did I have to say?
I asked my self is this emptiness a bad feeling? Why do I feel so blank?
I could not quite put my finger on the answer, the only way I can describe it is like a sat nav been wiped of all its data and no longer having any sense of direction. (I just came up with that as I was writing and this is the perfect way to describe it! I am amazing for coming up with that!!!! Currently smiling from the inside out) Anyway enough of the self praise for a minute I need to save that for affirmation time lol, lets get on shall we……
So as I was saying I felt empty like a blank canvas and this was unfamiliar to me so what did I go and do? I tried to go back to what was familiar. I tried to crawl back into the skin I had already shed, snuggle down in that skin and get comfortable again in my space of victimhood. WHY?
I was missing the old me and feeling loss, in order to feel less of this pain I tried to fall back into my old ways, habits and victimhood status. I began to feel sorry for myself rather than feel the empowerment of the freedom I now have to live my true life.
During these two weeks, I looked for reasons that my old life was better, I began saying things to my friends such as I feel depressed, I feel low in mood. I stopped doing my hair and although I was doing my normal activities, I was not appreciating them. I acted as if they were pointless and showed little gratitude for all I have. This is where I felt comfortable.
Mourning for the old you is fine I think, because when you begin growing and shed the scales of your old life you begin to feel loss, as if apart of you is missing. Those feelings of loss are the TRUTH! When you grow you loose a part of your old self! It is only natural that we mourn that loss, but when you start to revert back to your old ways is when you begin to get in your own way.
All my life I have felt like I was at the mercy of other people, I felt like I needed other people to validate me and my purpose (other people were my purpose). That responsibility now lies with me and that is a scary prospect.
My healing journey so far has lead me to place where I do feel empty, but this feeling of emptiness is not negative it is normal and apart of the process. I have just cleared away all the old debris making space for the new and true self. The true self could not emerge with all that junk in the way and now it has space to shine brighter than ever before!
I was mistaking my feelings of loss and emptiness as a negative thing. I was scared and fearful of this unknown feeling an wanted to go back to the shelter of meeting everyone else’s needs because this is all I had known and where I felt comfortable. I feel lost because I actually physically have no one else’s needs to meet but my own this is unfamiliar territory. I felt exposed but can no longer hide behind other people because the only needs left to meet are my own. I can no longer hide behind my old habits. When I thought about it I realised that this is a normal reaction. Take anyone away from their comfort zones and they will all try to run back to that comfortable space!
My message to you guys that are on any kind of healing journey, or thinking about beginning this journey, is when you get to that place where you begin to feel uncomfortable scared and on unfamiliar ground. This is not the time to turn back and try to get comfortable in your old skin. Feel the pain that comes with loss, mourn the old you, let go and move on!
This is your time to take a step forward into your new skin, the true skin. Not the skin that was given to you by others, not that old scared and bruised skin but a fresh skin that is strong and ready to take on the battles that will surely come with being the new you. We are ever changing beings and there is nothing wrong with this.
I am not a victim, I am not a people pleaser, I am not validated by other people. I meet my own needs, I am strong, I am a motivator of change and growth, I am a writer and there is so much more to come for me.
I will continue on this path and develop a new me. I hope you feel ready to do the same for you, but if not be patient and kind with yourself because you will get to the place you want to be.
Do not stand in your own way by being comfortable in your old skin! Get some new skin! Have a great day and a wonderful week. Please stay with me on my journey to discovering the true me!
Thank you for reading