Unshackle yourself from that Comfort Zone!

Hey guys, well I am betting you all had a great week last week! I can say that with such confidence, because if you look hard enough even through our bad times we gain something. It is all about perspective, your perspective is your choice so always look for that silver lining!

Well I have had a great week, beginning to break free from my comfort zones ( I have a few!).

One comfort zone for me is, not standing up to talk if I have a large audience. I will always choose to stay comfortable. I went through three years of university opting out of all my presentations. I chose to loose 10% of my marks for three years because I did not want to come out of my comfort zone. Stunting my development in public speaking.

Recently I have found myself using the phrase ‘feel the fear and do it anyway’. It got me thinking Sadia how did you get here? How did you get to a place where you encourage yourself to push past your boundaries? And is it as simple as just feeling the fear and doing it anyway?

This week my sister went to work abroad, within two weeks she had quit her job, found a new job, brought a plane ticket and left the country, again this got me thinking is it really that simple to just ‘go for it’?

When I examined this I found that we have both been in preparation for these moments all our life. Everything that has ever happened to us in the past has been preparing us for the moment when we can ‘feel the fear and do it anyway’. Pretty deep stuff isn’t it?

Our adversity can deliver us to greatness if (big if) we step out of our comfort zones, the only way to develop is to push past that comfortable position.

When I look at my one year old niece who was once very comfortable in her mothers arms, I see her pushing past her comfort zone. She no longer stays right by her mothers side, she is now able to leave her mothers side and explore new things, trusting that the comfort zone will be there when she gets back.

This week I decided I would talk in front of a small group of women, standing up at the front and sharing my journey!

I realise that in order to push past our comfort zone we first have to build up confidence in ourselves, learn to trust that we will bounce back from adversity. This will help you to release the fear of failure and the fear of the unknown.

Once you have your comfort zone it will always be there, it is not going anywhere!

Let’s all earn from my one year old niece, because you can always feel secure in the fact that you can come back to that zone to recuperate for a little and than move onto the next adventure. ‘The grass does not grow under your feet’ (the wise words my aunt delivered to our group chat, upon finding out the news my sister has left to work abroad).

Last year I would not have used phrases like ‘feel the fear and do it anyway’. I probably would have said things like ‘stay close to what you know’ or ‘better the devil you know’. Phrases that limited my growth and protected me from the unknown.

Once I realised my comfort zone will always be there if I need it. I learnt that there was nothing to fear.

The three things you should know about your comfort zone are;

1) There is nothing wrong with having a comfort zone, it allows us to build confidence in ourselves!

2) The comfort zone has a purpose, it is a safe place to come back to should you need to rebuild your confidence!

3) Staying in your comfort zone can prevent growth and will kill its purpose! It was not there for you to stay attached to. Like a mother it is a safe place for you to build your confidence, spread your wings and fly. We do not stay attached to our mothers, we will most likely always come back to them when needed.

Please please please give the grass under your feet space and time too grow, so that one day when you need to you can come back and nourish yourself with it.

Love you all, keep healing, growing and shining xxx

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Get Out of Your own Way!

Happy Sunday Everyone!! I hope that you are all well, have had a great week and are ready for an even better week!

This week I spent two days at WEF (Women Economic Forum) event in Birmingham, where I had the opportunity to listen too and network with a lot of inspiring women (and men). The event housed so many men and women all under one roof but able to individually stand in their own light and shine. The event got me thinking about my ability to just be me and the ways in which I get in my own way, preventing myself from standing in my own light. I realised that it is more comfortable for me to stand in my own shadow than it is for me to stand in my light! This really made me question my perfected ability to stand in my own way, lets explore!

I am sure that anyone that follows my blog, would have realised that over the past two or three weeks my posts have being void of the true me. For all of you that do not follow me, I encourage you to take a look back at my first post and compare it with last weeks post and you will surely see that there is a lot of me missing.

I now know that the reason for this is that I was beginning to get in my own way. I have shared a lot of my past experiences in my previous blogs, and how my lack of self love left me on a path where I allowed others to abuse me and ultimately I abused myself.
I like to be as honest as I can in these post and if I cant be honest, you will notice that I say very little.

Well I am BACK in full effect with my epiphany of what went wrong!I am going to try my best to share with you all what has been happening for me over the past two to three weeks and hopefully you will gain knowledge and understanding from my experience.

Over the past two weeks, I have been mourning my old life, and mourning all the things that I no longer have. I do not recognise myself anymore, I do not have a clue about what I like, what I don’t like. I don’t have a clear idea of what my ambitions are or where I am going in life. Who am I? I feel like a fraud and this has made it difficult for me to write from a place of truth! I was beginning to believe I did not have anything else to offer. It felt painful for me I felt loss and emptiness inside. I also felt that the only story I had to tell was about my past relationship so I felt like without that relationship what did I have to say?

I asked my self is this emptiness a bad feeling? Why do I feel so blank?

I could not quite put my finger on the answer, the only way I can describe it is like a sat nav been wiped of all its data and no longer having any sense of direction. (I just came up with that as I was writing and this is the perfect way to describe it! I am amazing for coming up with that!!!! Currently smiling from the inside out) Anyway enough of the self praise for a minute I need to save that for affirmation time lol, lets get on shall we……

So as I was saying I felt empty like a blank canvas and this was unfamiliar to me so what did I go and do? I tried to go back to what was familiar. I tried to crawl back into the skin I had already shed, snuggle down in that skin and get comfortable again in my space of victimhood. WHY?
I was missing the old me and feeling loss, in order to feel less of this pain I tried to fall back into my old ways, habits and victimhood status. I began to feel sorry for myself rather than feel the empowerment of the freedom I now have to live my true life.

During these two weeks, I looked for reasons that my old life was better, I began saying things to my friends such as I feel depressed, I feel low in mood. I stopped doing my hair and although I was doing my normal activities, I was not appreciating them. I acted as if they were pointless and showed little gratitude for all I have. This is where I felt comfortable.

Mourning for the old you is fine I think, because when you begin growing and shed the scales of your old life you begin to feel loss, as if apart of you is missing. Those feelings of loss are the TRUTH! When you grow you loose a part of your old self! It is only natural that we mourn that loss, but when you start to revert back to your old ways is when you begin to get in your own way.

All my life I have felt like I was at the mercy of other people, I felt like I needed other people to validate me and my purpose (other people were my purpose). That responsibility now lies with me and that is a scary prospect.

My healing journey so far has lead me to place where I do feel empty, but this feeling of emptiness is not negative it is normal and apart of the process. I have just cleared away all the old debris making space for the new and true self. The true self could not emerge with all that junk in the way and now it has space to shine brighter than ever before!
I was mistaking my feelings of loss and emptiness as a negative thing. I was scared and fearful of this unknown feeling an wanted to go back to the shelter of meeting everyone else’s needs because this is all I had known and where I felt comfortable. I feel lost because I actually physically have no one else’s needs to meet but my own this is unfamiliar territory. I felt exposed but can no longer hide behind other people because the only needs left to meet are my own. I can no longer hide behind my old habits. When I thought about it I realised that this is a normal reaction. Take anyone away from their comfort zones and they will all try to run back to that comfortable space!

My message to you guys that are on any kind of healing journey, or thinking about beginning this journey, is when you get to that place where you begin to feel uncomfortable scared and on unfamiliar ground. This is not the time to turn back and try to get comfortable in your old skin. Feel the pain that comes with loss, mourn the old you, let go and move on!
This is your time to take a step forward into your new skin, the true skin. Not the skin that was given to you by others, not that old scared and bruised skin but a fresh skin that is strong and ready to take on the battles that will surely come with being the new you. We are ever changing beings and there is nothing wrong with this.

I am not a victim, I am not a people pleaser, I am not validated by other people. I meet my own needs, I am strong, I am a motivator of change and growth, I am a writer and there is so much more to come for me.
I will continue on this path and develop a new me. I hope you feel ready to do the same for you, but if not be patient and kind with yourself because you will get to the place you want to be.

Do not stand in your own way by being comfortable in your old skin! Get some new skin! Have a great day and a wonderful week. Please stay with me on my journey to discovering the true me!

Thank you for reading

Sadia xxxx

Silence

Today I have very few words, not because I’m not full of experience and knowledge to share with you guys! But because I am at a point in my healing journey where I need to be silent and still. I am learning and growing as I am sharing with you all, so each week is different.

Whilst walking in nature today and talking with a very safe and solid friend, I discovered that my lack of words is just another stage on my healing journey.

So although I do not have many words to share today, I am aware that I am transitioning to another level of healing. In order to gain access to that level I need to silence my mind and connect with my soul.

I am taking time to to do that, because listening to my spirit, rather than the outside world is what guides me now.

I hope you are all well this week! I hope that you learn from me in this short post to trust your spirit! It will govern your actions to do what is right for you to heal and blossom into the shining spirits you all are!

Take care and have a fantastic week, even if all you do is be silent and still!!

Do you Walk the Walk as Well as You Talk the Talk?

Hey guys, I hope you are all well and have had a fantastic week! I am back with a full post for you this week. As I sit here on my sofa listening to some very chilled beats, writing my blog I have a small smile on my face. The kind of smile that you feel in your stomach it makes you warm from the inside out and brings a natural glisten and gloss to your eyes. This smile just creeps up on you and despite the fact that you try to hold it back it comes anyway. Now all you girls are probably saying what man have I got in my presence? But NOOOOOO it’s nothing external that brings this smile to my face it is all internal, I will explain more as we get into our subject for this week.

As I said in last week’s very brief post, I needed a break from healing, a break from reading and thinking about self-improvement and self-development. I needed to pause and just be for a second, and I am happy to report that is exactly what I done with my weekend and with parts of my week too.
It was exactly what I needed and from now on I will be sure to schedule some PAUSE Time into my week.

Guys let me tell you though my PAUSE time ended so quickly, I blinked my eye lids and before I knew it I was back here writing. It got me thinking how long do we PAUSE for? This is an important question because as much as we all need time to recover ourselves sometimes that pause can very easily turn into a vacation. A little bit like when we take a day off the gym and before you know it five months has past and you are back where you started. I was thinking about possibly taking a second weekend off this weekend but I had to be very mindful of the reasons I took the break in the first place, the reasons I started on this journey in the first place and whether or not I was now trying to turn my break into procrastination.
So here I am showing up, smiling and doing what I need to do for me, and all of you that may benefit from these posts!

Let’s get on with it shall we!!!!!

We are in the month of June, month six, half way point of the year, normally by this time of year my new year’s resolutions are all out of the window and I am berating myself for never being able to stick to them. This year is a little different, firstly I did not make any resolutions this year! I simply wrote a list of the things I needed to do so that I could work toward the person that I wanted to become, there were no deadlines in place and I explicitly told myself that I would go with the flow, keep moving forward but I would not place any undue pressure on myself.
This week I reviewed that list, I felt that half way through the year was a good point to re- visit this especially as I was feeling so exhausted and drained. I needed to refocus and check that I was still on track to becoming the women I want to become.
To my surprise I found that I could tick a few things of the list, one of the things on the list was to begin writing my blog. Well you all know that I have achieved that! Whoop whoop! I am so so so so so happy from the inside out that I am living my life for me.
As I said last week this journey started a long time ago, but six months ago when I wrote that list, I set my intention to find my true self. That intention has not waivered however after reviewing your list, I was in the bath and a question popped into my mind (I tell you all my best ideas come to be in the bath).

I asked myself this question Sadia do you walk the walk as well as you talk the talk?

And the answer for me was no not really.

Now you guys know I have to be honest with you and myself. In all honesty I have learnt a lot of things, I give great advice to myself and to others, I have worked hard attending courses learning about myself, I have met some of my goals and I am well on my way to becoming the women that I want to be, but…
MY TALK IS BETTER THAN MY WALK!!!!!!!!!! (Just being honest we have got to keep it real sometimes).
The reason I think this is because although I have come a long way, from the girl that felt she was not worth her own time. There is more that I can do to help move this journey along.
Reviewing my list revealed that although the intention has been set and I am able to tick my goals off. I could be doing more. I could be living my days differently, a small example of this could be meditating daily instead of only meditating as and when I feel I need meditation. Now please don’t mistake what I am saying as being too hard on myself, It is not me saying I have not being working hard on myself because believe me I know that I have. As I described above from the inside out I am smiling because all I have done is show up for myself (in the same way in the past I have shown up for others putting their needs before my own, I now show up for me). What I am saying is what would happen if I done even more for myself?
So what can we do to go above and beyond for ourselves? How do we keep building on what we have already started?
Intention + Action + More Action = Consistent Growth
We don’t want our growth to become stagnant, what this past six months has shown me is that we are always evolving the person that I was last year is not the person I am today. The moment we stop taking more action is the moment we stop growing.
So what does more action look like? To me more action is the following;

1) Pause, taking my break last week cleared my mind it, allowed me to look at how far I have come, but clarified what else I could be doing. This inspired me to keep moving forward, I could have reviewed how far I have come and found that I did not come very far but I don’t feel that we should feel discouraged if we find we have not moved very far but instead;

2) Be kind to yourself, from the moment you set your intention you are on the road to healing yourself and growing. I know I have said it more than once this past two weeks but my journey actually started a long time ago. So please don’t think that action is the be all and end all. It is defiantly super important, but sometimes it takes a while to get started. When you have been through a hard time it can be difficult to make changes so be kind to yourself because this will set the foundation for the action. If you talk negatively to yourself you will stay in that place, because you will find it difficult to get past those negative thoughts. If you show yourself compassion it will be easier to take steps toward action.

3) Write a list of goals (or review your goals), these goals do not have to be the typical mundane things like lose ten pounds in two days. It has been really beneficial for me to set goals around the person that I want to become and the mark that I want to leave on this world. I am not telling you not to set goals such as lose weight because sometimes these are the things we want to achieve but honestly my experience so far is setting goals that change you internally impact positively on the things that you want externally. You will be surprised by what changes on the outside when things begin changing on the inside.

4) Intention+ Action+ More Action = Consistent Growth. Take more action than you are already taking. I don’t want to make the assumption that all my readers are like me but I push past my comfort zone by about 15%, but I would like to encourage you and myself today to push past our comforts zones by at least 50%. Honestly I am so excited by this because the results are going to be 50% better than they are now. Guys if that is the case I am going to be walking around daily with a permanent smile on my face. A smile that comes from my internal and not my external. For future reference let’s call this the Inside Out Smile.

5) Stay in your lane! Do not under any circumstances compare your journey to other peoples. This is an order none of us walk the same steps. I cannot walk in your shoes and you cannot walk in mine. We all have our own lanes and we need to stay in them Period! In the Words of Cardi B AYYYYYYYEEEEE!!!!!!!! (I hope there is at least one Cardi B fan that gets that joke). This leads me nicely onto the last step!

6) Tap into your unique shine! This is the last step but the most important step that you guys need to take on board. Understand that we all have our own unique shine. We are all born with our own personally designed shine. When I meet new people most of the time they give me a wonderful response. They often say things to me such as ‘you are so special’ or ‘you have so much to give to the world’, and I often think to myself ‘these people do not know me what are they talking about’?. However what I am beginning to see is they can see my unique. shine, they can see the things in me that I cannot see in myself. The most important thing that you can do is recognise your own unique shine because that will give the belief in yourself that you need. This might be the hardest step to take but I have put it last purposely so that you don’t forget that you all have your own personally designed unique shine. Nobody else will shine the way you do!

I love you all, thank you so much for reading! I hope that this post is as helpful to you as it was to me. I am so ready to take more action! My last words today are ‘get you a Inside out Smile’ 😊

What my Jail Letter Revealed about my Healing Journey

Hello my readers,
My Queens and Kings, this week I do not have a specific post for you all and I just wanted to take the time to let you know why that it is without leaving everyone waiting for a post.

I thought my healing journey started last year, but I recently went to stay with a friend who was sorting through some of her paperwork whilst I was just chilling and writing my blog. In the mist of sorting her paper work she came across a letter that I had sent to her from Jail. Straight away I said to my friend ‘read it in your head not out loud, because I don’t think I can hear it let alone read it’. (You know when you hear your voice on a video and think is that really how I sound. It was that kind of moment).

Well she read it and at one point she said ‘wow you have actually been on this healing journey for some time’.
Well this changed my view on not wanting to hear what was in the letter, it had me really intrigued, so I decided to read the letter. The letter was written the year before I was released from Jail. In the letter I informed her that I wanted to start putting more focus on myself rather than focusing on other people.
When I talk about my healing Journey, I always state that it started after I left Jail but this letter revealed to me that my healing journey started long before I left Jail. It may even have started before I went into Jail but that is a story for another day.
The letter and a few other things this week such as six weeks of blogging, one to one therapy, group therapy, reading self help books, journaling, life coaching, volunteering with probation, meditation, exercising and honestly as usual there are a few more things that I could add to that list but I will stop there. All the above have really revealed to me that I am working really hard on healing myself, and when I actually paused I realised that I am tired physically and emotionally. It helped me to see that working on healing yourself is a long road and it takes a lot of energy to do it.
The letter revealed that I have been on the journey for a long time and that sometimes it is important to take a step back and really look at the Journey you are on.
Pausing to look at your own Journeys may reveal something to you, it revealed to me that I am working really hard on healing myself and being the best version of me that I can be. It revealed to me that I should remember to take time to check in with my body and take some time out, it also revealed that I should congratulate myself, and for that reason this weekend I am having a break from all of my activities to just chill and not do very much. I hear you all saying ‘but you are writing your blog right now’!!!!!! I just wanted to ensure that I touched base and shared where I was with you all. So on that note until next week folks I’m out! (I cant lie, I am feeling a little guilty about having such a relaxing weekend but you guys know I will be working on those feelings in the weeks to come).

Love you all

Sadia

P.S Pause, look at your journey so far, congratulate yourself and give yourself permission to have a break.

Understanding my Feelings of Guilt

This week I would like to talk about my feelings around guilt and how I am beginning to understand these feelings.
There are many things that I have found myself feeling guilty for in the past things such as letting my family or friends down, stealing, my depression, not being available for someone, putting myself first and I am sure the list could continue to go on.

We live in a society of expectations in particular I feel as women, however overall we are born into an environment of expectations. These expectations begin with our parents and than spread out too aunts uncles, friends, teachers, police, the elderly lady at the bus stop, the government, benefit systems again we could go on forever. So if we are born into a world of expectations before we have even been able to develop a sense of self is it any wonder we develop guilt. Are we really going to be able to fulfil all of the worlds expectations? Recently I read something that the Psychologist Freud wrote about human civilisation and how civilisation develops the increase of Guilt.

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This quote got me thinking and helped me to understand that the world we live in puts immense pressure on us, and it seems to me with the development of technology and things such as social media that this pressure is only increasing so what do we do to cope with emotions such as Guilt? How do we manage this at times crippling emotion that develops from the worlds expectations?

My most recent bout of guilt has been about the person that I allowed myself to become.
How did I allow myself to become a criminal in a crime that fed into ruining other peoples lives?
How did I become a women that sat in front of another women knowing that I was sleeping with her boyfriend?
How did I become so materialistic that I felt, money (fast cash), and having expensive cars fed into my status?
How did I loose sight that the reputation as a professional women was my real status?
Do I blame society and the people around me at the time for this?

I became so drawn into this lifestyle that I forgot who the hell I was!!!! but did I ever know who I was or did I know who I was expected to be? Did I ever get the chance to develop my own sense of self?
The lifestyle I slowly became apart of is like a world within this world. If you are not apart of that inner world you may never understand it but let me tell you it comes with its own set of rules and expectations and it became my world, and I lost all sight of what was right! In this inner world I had a purpose.

I have spoke to you all about the type of relationship that I had which I felt was emotionally abusive, I do believe that I had many vulnerabilities that where preyed upon by that person and that, him preying upon those vulnerabilities meant that I met a need in his life.

Well today I would like to discuss the role that I played in that relationship and look at what needs I was getting met when I was apart of said relationship. This concept of me having my needs met was initially difficult for me to get my head around because I did not feel like I was getting any of my needs met in that relationship, I did not feel that I needed to take any responsibility for the way that I was treated.
It is easy to place the blame on others, without recognising what part you played in it. There was however a part of me that was having a need met within the relationship too. Understand that I am not in any way shape or form taking responsibility for this mans actions. I am merely exploring what made me so susceptible to his ways and what made me trade in my morals and adopt his.

What was that need in me?
Where did that need come from?

Every day I would leave my house and press the button on one of many different expensive cars. “I’m going to take this car today” I would say to Mr Man and that would be fine, which one I drove was my choice and I felt special and I felt important. I would drive around my city feeling like the people that saw me would know that I was a part of his life and this fed into my need to be seen. I told you all before that I never felt seen in my community but driving around in a car that was probably known in the community and also that was expensive was a sign of status in my head and in the inner world.
In actual fact many of his friends that were the same boys that had not noticed me in my teenage years, were now giving me the nod of the head and smiles if they saw me around my way. I would think to myself I bet you want to talk to me now! (This was not at all what they were thinking, they probably seen a missed opportunity to use me too, kicking themselves that they did not get in there first and wondering if they could still get in there).
I also remember at the age of around seventeen or eighteen I was on the phone to Mr Man and he for some reason put his best friend on the phone whilst he done something. The best friend was always with him they were together every day. Anyway I must have said something he did not like and he responded “he does not like you, do you think he is fucking interested in you? He is not interested in you”. Those words stung like a bee, he had just confirmed what I felt deep down inside but that never stopped me. I continued down this path and often as the years went by and I remained in Mr Mans life I would want to say to that best friend I’m still here can you see? He was interested in me!(I think not, best friend knew what he was talking about)

I judge myself strongly for this need to be seen, as to me it is pretty shallow, I actually just deleted the last two paragraph and tried to take it out of the blog it exposes that shallow part of me and I do not like it, but it is true! Deleting it would take me back to the place of unconsciousness. A part of taking responsibility is owning my truth the good, bad and the ugly! (this is not easy for us humans to do we often project the things we do not like in ourselves onto others). Taking the time to understand my old thought patterns and what used to drive me helps me to manage my feelings of guilt. I got something out of money and cars, which was showing the outside world that I was successful that I was no longer the underdog that nobody was paying attention to. It showed them that someone actually wanted me enough to allow me to be on their team. However none of this material stuff belonged to me. I was hyped by a fake mirage. It did not seem to matter to me that I had not earned any of this so called status I built up in my head. Trust me the mirage quickly fades away once you are stripped of your freedom, put behind bars, living in a Jail cell, than you come home to none of those friends, no money, no cars, unemployed and taking bus trips. What did you really get out of being seen in these streets?

Pondering the above question, I can tell you now that it left we with more substance in my character than I have ever had before. More understanding of who I am and what drives me to behave the way I do. I understand that what was driving me in the past was unhealed wounds from my childhood that I chose to put a plaster over. The wound of not being loved in the way I as an individual needed to be loved. I have learnt that in order for those wounds to heal they cannot just be covered over. The wounds we have need to be cleaned properly with antibacterial, they need to be exposed to air and allowed time to scab over. That scab needs to fall off to allow fresh skin to grow. It is not enough to just cover our wounds they become infected and turn into gangrene if they are not treated. That will eat away at the rest of your body and this can end up destroying you. (My unhealed and untreated wounds certainly destroyed me)

It is really important to me that I take responsibility for my actions and apart of doing that is understanding what the reason was behind those actions. I have to go back to those wounds rip of the plaster and start cleaning them up one by one. This is my responsibility and no one in this world but me can go back, clean those wounds up and give them a chance to heal.
There are so many factors that feed into why I have experienced the things that I have, and why I chose to live my life in the way that I did. It really does blow my mind, at times I feel like my head is going to explode with it all. Trying to articulate what has happened weather that be written or verbally at times is really difficult. This is defiantly one of those times, and this blog has been even more difficult because many of the things I have done in my past I am extremely ashamed of. I am embarrassed to admit and accept the person I was, the person I was willing to become.

I must however remember that people can change, the reasons I have been able to identify why things have happened in the way they have are not excuses. At times my mind and negative thoughts tell me that they are excuses but rather than an excuse it is an understanding about what makes me as an human being tick, what influenced me to behave in the way that I did. I have a history of enabling peoples behaviours because I want them to be happy, I want them to like me so if I don’t tell them that they are wrong than I will not upset them and they will stay in my life. It makes me feel that I am accepted and loved. (yet another need and unhealed wound I need to be loved and I need to be accepted) As I have looked at previously this comes from my childhood needs not being met.
My mother was not always emotionally available to me in the way I needed her to be, but we cannot change our past, we cannot make people love us the way that we need to be loved. We can however love ourselves the way we needed to be loved and accept ourselves flaws and all.

Healing and loving yourself will change not only the way you see yourself in this world of expectations but it will change the way the world of expectations sees and responds to you. The healed me will not look for love and acceptance outside of me and this reduces my vulnerability to be preyed upon.

Today the only thing that I urge you to do is look at the reasons why you act the way you do. Take responsibility for your part in this world of expectations, what expectations do you have of others, your children, your friends, your parents (big one, they cant change what they did not give to you), your partner (another big one he or she cannot give to you what your parents didn’t), your employer again the list can go on and on and on.
Don’t just look at what the world and his dog has done to you, instead think about what unhealed wounds are you expecting the outside world to heal?
Dig deep and look at what might be unconsciously driving you to act the way you do!

So in response to what I really got from being in these streets? I got myself back and I now have less covered over and rotting wounds than I did before. I am now free enough to clean up the remaining rotting wounds left in my subconscious. This may take some time but I understand myself enough to know that the responsibility lays in my hands only. I do not need to feel guilty about who I was I need to be accountable and responsible for who I was. In order to begin managing these feelings of guilt we have to start understanding why we do what we do.

Don’t let guilt cripple you and keep you stuck, accept yourself fully warts and all.

I hope you all have an amazing week keep healing…. and thank you for reading.

In the Abyss of my Abuse Stood Love

Welcome back!

In this weeks blog, I would like to address the other side to abuse that often gets lost in the trauma and is left behind with no recognition. I would like my readers to know that there is another side to abuse that leaves you very confused. I am guessing that this does not just happen in abusive relationships but in all relationships when they are coming to an end or have already ended. It can be bitter sweet, we loved this human that we now recognise we cannot move forward with. This is heart breaking and can leave us feeling stuck with a lot of unanswered questions.
Why did the abuse happen?
Why didn’t he love me enough to care for me?
Why didn’t he fight for the relationship?
Was this my fault?
Should I have continued to fight for the relationship?
Could I have been a better person?

What I really really struggle with is that you can have a great friendship with someone, share so much time with them and bond with them, build with them and than one day you no longer talk. It is really strange and confusing for me.

In my relationship (as always we use this term ‘relationship’ loosely. I always have to remind myself of this fact because it reminds me that I willingly entered a relationship with no boundaries in place to protect myself. I done that to myself! There is no blame here because I am beginning to understand the reasons why I exposed myself to that).

As I was saying in my relationship, I loved so deeply for close to two decades and I had so many good times. Memories that I will always hold close to my heart. There is a part of me that still loves him and will always love him. This I feel is a really controversial comment to make, because other people may see it as I should not love someone that I also feels has hurt me. However it is not about what other people think is it? It is about me being able to live in my own truth and you in yours too! This is my truth right now, the two things love and abuse went hand in hand for me.
I feel that there must be a pressure on other women to act like they never loved this person or that they cant talk about the good times that they shared with this person. It is difficult enough to have mixed feelings in the first place without the added pressure of not being able to express your feelings. Well I am here to say that it is okay to still have feelings of love.
When I was with Mr Man I had something to call my own, when we were together it was as if we were the only two people in the world. The very few people that got to watch us together would say they could see how much we cared for each other, maybe too much? Maybe not enough?
But let me share with you some of my special moments, as I said I keep them close to my heart so this is just a few.
The man I fell in love with was so family orientated.
It was important that we ate together, so meal times where a very special time and whenever we could along with his extended family who became my extended family, we would always eat together. ‘The family that eats together stays together’ was his motto.
Time was also important so believe it or not we spent a lot of time together and if we were not physically together we were on the phone together. Our favourite thing to do, from the day we met was talk, We would talk all night if we could, and it never got boring. These are the things that I miss.

I remember spending the night at his moms house, it was one of many days where we had all got together and instead of going home we all crashed there.
At this particular time because she had to accommodate so many of us, she had her room set up so there was a single bed behind the wardrobes and a TV. Everyone had put their head down somewhere already so that single bed was the only spot left for us to sleep. We did not complain that his bed had been taken by the kids we took the single bed. Two adults in a single bed is not easy, but it was perfect it felt like a little adventure. We had no choice but to lie so close to each other we were practically on top of one another. That suited me because I always found myself on his side of the bed anyway. We lay so close that night it reminded me of that Bob Marley song Is This Love and he sings ‘We’ll be together, with a roof right over our heads We’ll share the shelter, of my single bed’.
In that moment I felt so loved, accepted and apart of him. He did not complain that my body temperature was too hot and I was making him hot.(I get really hot at night guys! which is good on a cold night he could warm himself up, but when you are hot it s not the best). Everything just flowed easily that night. We fell asleep after talking in quiet voices and watching some Kung Fu DVD that we both loved. Not many girls enjoy Kung Fu but as a child I would watch them with my dad, he done the same with his own dad so it became a common interest for us both and one of my favourite things for us to do together. (right now I am unable to watch any of those films).

There were so many times that I felt like the only girl in his world. I felt like the love that he had for me was unique and special and I am sure that you can all recall those good times, you had in your own relationships. The good times cast a shadow of doubt on the bad times and vice versa. I am often left wondering what is really real? is it the good or the bad? was anything true?

So how do we handle this difficult and confusing time, I must let you guys know that I am still struggling with this, however what I am learning is that at the end of the relationship you defiantly go through the grieving process.
The feeling of loss for me is huge, at times I actually get physical pain in my heart for this loss.
This process is really hard and confusing and takes time, to get your head around it. This week a bus driver who does not know me noticed my loss written all over my face. The driver said to me ‘Are you okay, you look really confused?’ (He summed it up perfectly because I am so saddened and confused), I told him I was okay but as I walked of the bus really large tears that I could not control just fell down my face.

I would like you to know however that it is okay to feel whatever emotion it is that you feel. There are array of emotions that will come into play from nostalgia to anger. It is fine for you to remember the good parts of your relationship and accept that those things happened too. It was not all bad, all the time but recognise that the decision that you have made is because it is healthy for your overall well being, and that is what matters.

It is easy to fall into convincing yourself that because you had good times you should have stayed in that situation or you have made a mistake. This is not necessarily true.

1)Do not beat yourself up about the emotions that you have.
2)Ride these emotions and do not fall into the trap of avoiding them as they will reappear or impact your future decisions. (I have the right to cry wherever and whenever I need too)
3) If you need to talk do so with people that are not emotionally invested in your hurt but are able to listen non judgmentally.
4) Accept that you may have questions that you will never get answers to. This is also true of an apology that you feel you deserve or recognition from your ex partner that they hurt you. (This one can be really hard and I am working on it.
5) Forgive yourself for whatever guilt you have and try to let that go.

I want everyone to have a balanced and realistic view of what happens in this process. I don’t want to represent the illusion that you end the relationship and all your feelings just disappear because they do not!!!!!!! There was some love there!
We all heal and recover at different rates so also do not put pressure on yourself to be over it within any specific time.

Well that is it from me this week folks, keep taking care of yourself and be kind to yourself. I will try to do the same for me too.

P.S
Another lesson to take on board from this is that your truth can change, and this is not a negative thing it is okay to change your mind. Growth is change.

Thank you for joining me on my journey of healing. Let me know your thoughts any stories you all have and please follow me for future blogs.